Dreams and Reality

Last night, after the kids had gone to bed, we heard footsteps upstairs.

It sounded like Evan was running down the hallway, which is not uncommon for him.

Most nights, he wakes up, sprints down the hall and climbs in bed with us.

He must have gone into my room and figured out that I was still up, because then I heard him running down the stairs.  

I met him in the kitchen and as soon as he saw me he jumped into my arms and was holding on for dear life.

He had a bad dream and he was scared.

I held him for a while and then I carried him back up to his bed.

He asked me if I would lay with him because he was still afraid.

So I did, of course.

And as I lay there with my beautiful, precious son, comforting, reassuring and loving him,

my thoughts turned to Nola.  

What happens when she has a bad dream?

And the reality of it hit me.

Nothing.  Nothing happens when she has a bad dream.

There is no one to run to.  

She cannot even get out of her crib to find someone.

There is no one to comfort her.

No one to rub her back.

No one to stroke her hair.

No one to gently kiss her.

No one to softly whisper that she is safe.

No one to tell her she is loved.

No one to stay with her until she falls into a peaceful slumber.

And my heart broke a little more for this child, and for all the children who have no Mommy or Daddy to make bad dreams better.  

I simply cannot get her home soon enough.

Progress

Yesterday was Day 70 waiting for our LOA.  

I woke up to an email from our agency saying that our dossier is out of translation and "in process".

They are hoping to get our LOA within the next month.

This could go either way....

The last batch of LOAs that came to our agency arrived 12 days after moving out of translation.

But there are people who also wait 6 weeks after translation.

It really is a crap shoot.
It really isn't where I hoped to be at this point in the game, but it could be worse.
Any little bit of progress helps and does wonders for my spirit (for a few days at least).

If we receive our LOA by the end of May, we could still travel in August.

Otherwise, we move to September.

Come on LOA!!!

A Special Day

Today is Mother's Day!

It is a day to spend with your children, making memories with them, and reflecting on the day they came into your life.  I did all of those things.
My very favorite Mother's Day tradition is Tyson and the kids bring me breakfast in bed and Evan climbs up next to me and eats most of it!  It cracks me up!

Today is also Nola's birthday.  She is officially 2 years old!  

I did not get to spend the day with her.  And I spent most of the day thinking about her

and of the things we have missed, but focusing on all the "firsts" yet to come. 

But on this day, I also could not stop thinking about her birth mother.

I cannot even begin to imagine what she is feeling today.  

The loss, the grief, perhaps shame and guilt have to be consuming her.

We do not know (nor will we ever know) the circumstances that forced her to abandon her child, but it could not have been an easy decision to make or to live with.

I hope on this day, and every day, she may know a sense of peace that "our" daughter will be safe, loved, taken care of, provided for, loved, happy, nurtured, loved, and she will have a family, friends, opportunities, freedoms, and SO VERY LOVED....all of the things every mother wants for their child.  

I wish she could know that.

We had family over for a Mother's Day/Birthday celebration.

I cooked Chinese food and we had a Dairy Queen ice cream cake and a few presents.

(I didn't get many pics...it got a little crazy!

Altar flowers we donated at church in honor of Nola's birthday

Birthday care package we sent her, along with a birthday cake.  Not really sure what's in the bag.  Figs maybe?  I hope it's nothing weird :)  We wrote her a letter and it was translated.  I think the item in the bottom left corner is a card, but not sure.

Card Rylee made for Nola...I cannot wait to see the sister bond form between them!

Birthday Cake!

Happy Birthday to my sweet girl.  I cannot wait to hold you in my arms.  This will be your last birthday without a family, and next year will be the motherload of celebrations!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NOLA MAOXIN!!  WE LOVE YOU!!!

While I wait

Waiting for the LOA is hard. 

It's really, really hard.

It is long, unpredictable and torture.

I have days where I am fine, content and rational.

Other days...not so much.

We have been wanting to redo our 1/2 bath ever since we bought our house, but just haven't gotten to it.

It was beyond ugly.  The wallpaper was too busy, not the greatest colors, and outdated.

My grandmother loves it.

So on one of my not-so-good days, I began stripping this wallpaper off.

I must say, I have NEVER had wallpaper come off so easily. 

It was like hot butta, I tell you.

I stripped it all the way down to the drywall

We had paint colors picked out, but when I went to buy the paint, I was in a deep dark funk,

and felt I needed paint to match my mood.

I picked out the darkest red and the darkest brown I could find.

And I went to work.

                                 Yikes!  That is REALLY dark.  I was OK with dark because

1.  I am not afraid of color, and

2.  Nate Berkus says dark colors are great for small spaces because it creates a good dramatic effect.

But that is really really dark, and it wasn't even dry yet. 

I started to panic a bit, and second guess myself.

My dear friend came and hung white chair rail and it really broke up the color and lightened things up.

Then we added a little decor.

Here is what I ended up with....

(drum roll please.....)

It could have been disastrous, but it really worked out well and

I love it!

We are starting on Nola's room and I am under strict orders from Tyson that I am

NOT to go buy the paint today...it's another rough one!



60 Days....

60 days ago we saw Nola's face for the very first time.

It was 8:32 p.m., and just the same way I know what time my other children entered my world, I will never forget it. 



In those past 60 days, life has gone on in our usual busy manner.

We have:

~watched Evan play numerous basketball games

~lunched with friends

~had Girl Scout meetings

~delivered lots of Girl Scout cookies

~went to Dr. & Dentist appointments

~gotten haircuts

~attended lots of Rylee's volleyball games

~worked out

~taken family members for surgeries

~endured Evan's broken arm

~scrapbooked

~gone to movies

~watched Rylee run 2 races

~enjoyed Spring Break

~volunteered in our community

~gone on a Jr. High band trip to Six Flags

~gotten a few house projects done (inside and out)

But every day, in all of the busyness, part of me constantly aches and longs for this baby.

Every time I hear this song, I fall apart.

Today is Day 56 waiting for LOA.
Last I was told (a little over a week ago), we were still in translation.
I had really hoped to be farther along by now.
We have no idea how long it's going to take.
We only know when we get the phone call that it's arrived at our agency.

Nola's birthday is May 13 (Mother's Day) and I would really love to have it by then.

As long as I don't have to wait another 60 days.